Risking Approval and Risking Control

Many of our sinful tendencies can fall into one of two categories: wanting approval or wanting control. Approval is your desire to be liked. Control is your desire to be in charge. 

I confess that I want approval. But there is a problem that comes with that. If you live for approval, then your life is tied to that desire to be liked and that limits your effectiveness as a friend, leader, neighbor, and parent. It limits you when you refuse to give constructive criticism because you don’t want to upset anyone. Valuable insights, counsel, or instruction you should give is not shared because you don’t want to risk offending anyone. You avoid hard conversations that deep down you know you should have. You are being kept from godly confrontation and loving correction by your desire for approval. You aren’t transparent about your failings. No one knows how or if you have ever struggled. You don’t share these details with anyone, because you want them to think highly of you. If there is no other person who knows your temptations and shortcomings and sins, that may be a sign of your unwillingness to risk approval. It may also be seen in how you respond to criticism. None of us love criticism. It can hurt, especially if it is destructive or mean-spirited. But if all criticism shatters you, if you are crushed by it, the reason is because the approval of others has become too important. 

One sign that I’m caught up in looking for approval is that I over commit. I used to work 80 plus hours every week. Why? There’s so much work to do. Yes, but even 80 hours didn’t get it done. Why was I really doing that? I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I was out to prove that I was needed, and competent, and invaluable. Is it possible that some of your activity is about proving yourself? But if I am going to deny myself, and follow after Jesus, I must risk losing the approval of others.

The other tendency is about wanting control. We are less likely to admit this. That desire is also harder to recognize in ourselves than it is to identify in others. But some of us lead, or carry out relationships, or do ministry in a way that holds on to as much power and control as possible. It may be because you like to do your own thing. You like to call the shots. The reality is that if you follow Christ, self-interest cannot be your guiding principle. To deny yourself and follow Jesus means that you risk losing that control. Or maybe your desire for control comes from fear. You’re afraid of losing your position, your status, the respect, the relationship. Or you might deep down be afraid of the involvement and ideas of others. So you dominate, attack, act defensively, use sarcasm, and self-justification. 

Church leaders who want control tend to villainize outsiders, other organizations, and leaders. If you are always raising the alarm, identifying enemies, and drawing a tight circle around your ministry as the one with truth while the rest are suspect, that is a sure sign of wanting control. But Christ calls us to risk our desire for control and fear and self-interest. Unless I do so, my soul grows weak and weary, and my communications become anemic or caustic.

Excerpt from Soul Food: God's Nourishment for the Real You (Tablet Press, 2011, John Henry Beukema)