Dealing with Sinful Anger (part 5)

There are several decisive steps to take to get rid of sinful anger. Part 4 described the need to: Identify who you’re angry with and what they owe you. Obviously you must not stop there. Here is the crucial next step:

Bring it to the Cross and confess. You say, “What do I have to confess about? I didn’t deserve what they did. I’m the one that was hurt. They need to confess.” Whether you are right or wrong to be angry, you need to admit that you are. Your wrongs might be undeserved, but holding on to and storing that anger creates more problems. Ask God’s forgiveness through Christ for harboring anger, giving it space in your life, allowing Satan an advantage.

And when you take an honest look at the list of wrongs that made you mad, you might be able to admit that some of them are really about your own selfishness. You might recognize some of it was because you didn’t get what you wanted (see part 1). You realize that your ego, or greed, or cravings or expectations weren’t met and it left you angry. Bring it to the cross, where God poured out his wrath on sin, and the sacrifice of Jesus brought healing and life when you believed. Hebrews 9:14 says: “the blood of Christ…cleanses our consciences from acts that lead to death.” Confess all your bitterness, rage and anger to the God who forgave you in Christ Jesus. Evaluate life by what was done for you on the cross, instead of what was done to you by others.

There’s one more part in the process. Part 6 presents another decisive step in dealing with sinful anger.

Dealing with Sinful Anger (part 4)

Parts 1-3 identified sinful anger by motive and how it is expressed. The next question is, How do you get rid of sinful anger? There are several decisive steps to take.

Identify who you’re angry with and what they owe you. If you have unresolved anger, and you don’t identify who you are really mad at, you will continue to lash out at others who did nothing wrong. There might be stuff you feel is too far in the past, you’ve moved on, but is that really true? Then get specific about what they owe you. What exactly did they take? What would they need to give you to make things right? An apology? Your childhood? Your reputation? Money? You might say, “There is nothing they could give that would make things right.” But you must get specific about what they owe you, did to you, or didn’t do for you.

Ephesians 4:31-32 shows the need to get rid of anger with forgiveness. Identify who it is you need to forgive and what you need to forgive them for. One Bible teacher states: “General forgiveness does not heal specific hurts.” You might identify one person or situation, or a whole list. This alone can remove some of anger’s power in your life. It is the unspoken, secretness of your anger that is keeping it alive.

Part 5 will present the crucial next step in dealing with sinful anger.

Identifying Sinful Anger (part 3)

How do I know if my anger is right or wrong? It depends upon why I am angry and how I express it. Part 1 dealt with wrong motives for anger. Part 2 dealt with one wrong expression of anger, “blowing-up.” Now consider the opposite approach of “bottling-up” anger.

The “bottle-up” approach is also a sinful expression of anger. On the outside you seem to handle it well, but on the inside you are boiling mad. You might be proud of yourself for keeping it together because you really want to explode. So you hold it in, and anger simmers beneath the surface. While doing less immediate damage to those around you, keeping internalized anger alive in you is unhealthy. When you don’t deal with it, anger simply festers, decays, turns to bitterness, resentment, and eventually expresses itself elsewhere.

This is why Ephesians 4:26 says: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Rather than blowing up or bottling it up, the principle is to deal with it as soon as possible. Dr. Todd Neller pointed me to some research about sleep and long-term memory. The research found that during sleep, memories get consolidated and stored for the longer haul in the neocortex. That transfer of memories from short to long-term storage takes place during slow-wave and REM sleep. Once there memories can last up to a lifetime. So there is some scientifically proven benefit to getting rid of anger before sleep. Letting anger smolder, nursing it along, harboring the hurt is deadly. As someone said: "You won't sleep anger off, you will sleep it in."

So if blowing-up and bottling up are wrong expressions of anger, what should you do with those emotions and hurt feelings? Part 4 will deal with getting rid of anger.

Identifying Sinful Anger (part 2)

How do I know if my anger is right or wrong? It depends upon why I am angry and how I express it. Part 1 dealt with wrong motives for anger. Now consider the wrong expressions of anger.

Sinful Anger Involves Blowing-up. A list of ways anger is wrongly expressed is found in Ephesians 4:31: bitterness, rage, vengeance, emotional outbursts, and harsh words. These are all reactions, damaging to others or ourselves. These reactions don’t provide what others need. When I express anger by exploding and I “blow-up,” that is sinful. Proverbs describes the “blow-up” reaction with words like “hotheaded” “reckless” “quick-tempered” “quarrelsome”. The “blow-up” is when you are furious and let it fly and don’t care who hears or gets hurt. Anger on the inside spills out, and shows on your face, in your words, or by your actions. 

You may have been advised to blow-up as a way to release anger, but that is not a biblical method. Prov. 29:11 “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” Psychotherapist Richard Winter says research shows that venting anger by shouting or hitting a pillow “doesn’t defuse, but may “inflame” anger. 

If blowing up is not usually a biblical way of expressing anger, what about keeping it in? Part 3 will look at “bottling-up” anger.

Identifying Sinful Anger (part 1)

How do I know if my anger is right or wrong? It depends upon why I am angry and how I express it. What does sinful anger look like?

Sinful Anger Involves Not Getting What I Want. James 4 teaches that a big source of conflict in life is: “I want something, but don’t get it.” When I’m mad, it’s embarrassing to realize how many times this is the reason.

I wanted approval, and didn’t get it. I wanted what you have, and didn’t get it. I wanted some attention, and didn’t get it. I wanted the bigger piece, and didn’t get it. I wanted to come in first, and I didn’t get it. I wanted love, and didn’t get it. I wanted someone to say "thanks," or to say "I’m sorry," or to say "you’re right," and didn’t get it.

When I examine why I am angry, hurt, reacting, often the reason isn’t pretty. Deep down it is selfish ambition, jealousy, a sinful craving. When I can identify that as the reason for my anger, the anger is wrong.

Part 2 will discuss wrong expressions of anger.

Tolerating Bedbugs

In an informal survey of 2,000 people, I asked “Which household pests would cause you to pay for an exterminator?”  

“Mice?” Some hands.

“Roaches?” Many hands.

“Bedbugs?” All hands.

Much of that last response was due to peer pressure. If you don’t raise your hand, no one will sit near you.

A more formal survey, done by people who actually count the numbers, found these results.

• About 25% of adults will pay an exterminator to kill spiders or ants.
• When mice, rats, and cockroaches are involved, about half of all adults will pay to get rid of them.
• If termites are discovered, almost 9 out of 10 people will call for an exterminator.
• And then the bedbugs. Researchers found that only 56% will pay to banish bedbugs. That surprised me. Almost half of adults will tolerate bedbugs, rats, and roaches, rather than pay a professional to eradicate them.

There are some pests we tolerate more than others. That is true in my life. There are some sins I won’t tolerate, but others I just live with. Yet Ephesians 4:22 says to put off, get rid of those things that characterize the old self. That old self is made up of the attitudes and emotions and behaviors that are who I am without Jesus. Rom. 8:13 says to put those things to death by the power of the Spirit. There are sins I tolerate and indulge and allow to live on inside of me that God calls me to kill. My tolerance for personal “bedbugs” is alarming.

3 Signs of Unresolved Anger

1. When my response is disproportionate to the problem. Like the Ohio woman who was told she couldn’t get chicken nuggets because McDonald’s was still serving breakfast. She flipped out, threw punches, and broke the drive-thru window. That’s not about McNuggets. When normal inconveniences prompt rage, unresolved anger is spilling out. Eph. 4:31

2. When anger is my default emotion. Whatever your friend says, what the kids do, how your spouse responds, or what the boss requires, it makes you mad. You’re mad a lot. It shows on your face, it comes out in your speech. That’s a sign anger from the past is lurking. Prov. 22:24

3. When I cannot forgive those who wronged me. If you can think of someone who you don’t want to let off the hook, someone you wish the worst, someone whose past behavior dominates your thoughts, you have unresolved anger. Forgiveness is the only way forward. Eph. 4:32